I am no good. There is nothing about me that is worthy to be called a good person. I am constantly in a state of torment and anguish. This struggle will not allow my heart to settle in to peace. My mind is waging a constant war. I find myself reeling with confusion and pain at the things I’ve done, and those I’ve hurt. I’m suffocating in a cloud of anger, hostility, and guilt. The screaming of hatred continually fills my ears. Oh, how I wish I could run away. To remove myself from society so as not to be a plague upon those that come in contact with me. What purpose am I serving? Why I am allowed to exist? Is there any way out?! I’m sick and tired of knowing what I should do, yet cutting the cord of discernment and opting for what I know is wrong and goes against the very thing that is life. There is a perfect place in hell for people like me. Those that deserve to be ripped apart and tortured for who they are. This is my pain. This is my struggle against the very thing I wish I could live without.
“What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Don’t they come from the evil desires at war within you?” (James 4:1 NLT)
There are days that I can not stand to be the person that I am. I can not look at myself in the mirror and find anything worthy to look at. And I’m not talking about the physical. I speak of that which is not seen by human eyes, yet crystal clear to the walking dead. If my inner sin were made visible to the world around me, I’d end my life so as not to offend those that would have to look at me. A sickening display of impurity, covetousness, greed, and self-worth. To make visible how I see the sin that lies within me, the world would lose hope in the concept of Christianity.
Am I hiding my reality? Is my life’s purpose to outwardly deny who I really am? Is all that I am a horrendous lie so as not to expose the filth? The answer is no.
I will have to fight and war against this inner struggle on a daily basis. I will wage this war with hope. I will stand upon the promises of the One who found enough purpose in me, that He saw fit to nail my putrid sin to a cross. Jesus Christ saw past the ugly. He sifted through the mire of sin and reached my heart and soul. He proclaimed victory, despite the shame. He looked at me with agape love and chose to endure my shame. He saw that I was worth dying for. Me! He loves me! Unimaginable. Yet when I am reminded of His unimaginable love, the leading of His Spirit in me is undeniable. He found that I was worth dying for. I will fight my daily battle. I will fight this war, because He is worth living for!
“Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!'” (Lamentations 3:21-24)
Thank you Jesus!