The anguish of who I am

pain

Pain by Mireya Vera

I am no good.  There is nothing about me that is worthy to be called a good person.  I am constantly in a state of torment and anguish.  This struggle will not allow my heart to settle in to peace.  My mind is waging a constant war.  I find myself reeling with confusion and pain at the things I’ve done, and those I’ve hurt.  I’m suffocating in a cloud of anger, hostility, and guilt.  The screaming of hatred continually fills my ears.  Oh, how I wish I could run away.  To remove myself from society so as not to be a plague upon those that come in contact with me.  What purpose am I serving?  Why I am allowed to exist?  Is there any way out?!  I’m sick and tired of knowing what I should do, yet cutting the cord of discernment and opting for what I know is wrong and goes against the very thing that is life.  There is a perfect place in hell for people like me.  Those that deserve to be ripped apart and tortured for who they are.  This is my pain.  This is my struggle against the very thing I wish I could live without.

“What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Don’t they come from the evil desires at war within you?” (James 4:1 NLT)

There are days that I can not stand to be the person that I am.  I can not look at myself in the mirror and find anything worthy to look at.  And I’m not talking about the physical.  I speak of that which is not seen by human eyes, yet crystal clear to the walking dead. If my inner sin were made visible to the world around me, I’d end my life so as not to offend those that would have to look at me.  A sickening display of impurity, covetousness, greed, and self-worth.  To make visible how I see the sin that lies within me, the world would lose hope in the concept of Christianity.

Am I hiding my reality?  Is my life’s purpose to outwardly deny who I really am?  Is all that I am a horrendous lie so as not to expose the filth?  The answer is no.

I will have to fight and war against this inner struggle on a daily basis.  I will wage this war with hope.  I will stand upon the promises of the One who found enough purpose in me, that He saw fit to nail my putrid sin to a cross.  Jesus Christ saw past the ugly.  He sifted through the mire of sin and reached my heart and soul.  He proclaimed victory, despite the shame.  He looked at me with agape love and chose to endure my shame.  He saw that I was worth dying for.  Me!  He loves me!  Unimaginable.  Yet when I am reminded of His unimaginable love, the leading of His Spirit in me is undeniable.  He found that I was worth dying for.  I will fight my daily battle.  I will fight this war, because He is worth living for!

“Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!'” (Lamentations 3:21-24)

Thank you Jesus!

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7 thoughts on “The anguish of who I am

  1. Holly Stevens says:

    Wow, this is heavy and hard to read, but I see myself in the flow of your words!
    “If God is for us, who can be against us” comes to mind.
    Not even our putrid sins can keep us away from Him & His love. We who are so unworthy of standing in His presence can only drop to our knees in humility and ask forgiveness; praising Him in all our being for what He has done to give us Life, and that more abundantly!
    I just love Him so!
    Thank you for reminding me of HIS amazing love!!

    Like

  2. Crystal Castro says:

    Prior to recieving your text to read this message, I had a trainload of unnecessary thoughts running through my mind. Jesus Christ works in some marvelous ways, and I am grateful to be able to witness one of many of those blessings that He is always providing. Cameron, I thank you for sharing this beautiful reminder with us all. It’s such a powerful light to know that He is working out wonders for so many others, and that He continues to love each and every one of us. He died for ALL OF US on the cross, and now it’s OUR turn to live for Him! It’s truly a blessing to be alive to this day to continue learning about Him and what He has planned for each and every one of His children! The powerful and beautiful way He speaks to us all through others is an amazing thing to witness and I look forward to being able to learn more about Him through you in the future. Once again, thank you for this beautiful reminder, Cameron!!

    Like

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